Not Enough Tricks...Probably Too Many Treats.

Happy Halloween all you Ghosts, Goblins, and Ghouls.

I am upright and mobile but still in a decent amount of pain and worst of all I can't have candy. I mean...REALLY?!?  UGH...Eat a Reese's for me would ya?

Halloween. I was raised in a pretty religious home so I never really participated in Halloween. I don't say that as a bad thing really but it is nice to see that my little sister (she is 14 years younger than I) dress up for Halloween where as I was not allowed to, nor go to school on that day, trick or treat, or answer the door. I sat in the dark and watched TV and that was kinda limited because well guess what was playing? Yup Halloween.

I have never really been a trickster...pretty much just take myself too damn serious for that nonsense :) but I didn't really get to "treat" in the typical way either. 

My Grandma would buy me a bag of candy and, I didn't remember this until my cousin told me, my Uncle Terry went Trick-or-Treating for me when we were in California. Awweeeeee. It was probably for the better that I was not sent out on a mission to collect as many sweets as I possible could. I would have weighed 300 pounds by my 6th Halloween and needed a king sized sheet as a costume. I have had a sugar addiction since I was born. Alright, maybe not that early but shortly there after. I can only imagine the amount of diet pills, jump ropes, and apples my 7 Halloween would have produced. Seriously there have been times in my life I have considered going as a bowling ball. 

I love my Grandma....*I love you Grandma* but somehow, somewhere she heard that sugar will stimulate your appetite (this is correct) but because she loved me sooooooo much she wanted me to eat a big breakfast (I, personally, don't think I ever had a problem with eating). So before breakfast every morning I got to have 2 Archway Cookies. 

If you have never had, or don't remember, these cookies you are missing out.  

Then I moved in with my mom (long story for a later date) and we had doughnuts and chocolate milk on hand most mornings. To this day I can go home to my mom's open the fridge and find a gallon of chocolate milk. My little sister (she is autistic) loooves this stuff. I still have sugar cravings when I first wake up in the morning but I don't really like doughnuts anymore. Only on road trips to California and the occasional Maple Cruller. 

I thought my older sister was an alien. 
I am not A.D.Ding on you all here. If I was offered dessert there was no question as to IF I wanted it. HELL YES I WANT DESSERT....I ONLY EAT DINNER BECAUSE I HAVE TO TO HAVE DESSERT. Now my sister on the other hand would often pass it up claiming "she just wasn't in the mood". What the hell?? What kinda of freak is not in the mood for ice-cream? 

This and her superhuman metabolism is probably the reason she was so skinny...and I was so...not. I used to compare myself to her and wonder why I was soooo huge. I wasn't, I was just bigger than her. Anyway, she is my step-sister (though in my family we don't really acknowledge 'step' - family is family by blood or by choice) So I didn't get that inherited metabolism. 

My metabolism is so slow it thinks it is in first place. 

While I am talking smack about her I should say HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANIELLE. I LOVE YOU. *She was born on Halloween ...the day of CANDY...and still didn't do a backflip when dessert was offered.*  {Insert Twilight Zone Theme}

The Post Writer Usually Rings Twice

So today is WI day and I am up 0.4 pounds. However this is going to be a short...probably not too funny of a post. Lacking in all things cartoon.

I am bloated and backed up. Overshare, I know. I went and did biofeed back and it showed up, almost instantly, that I have IBS , a parasite, and a toxic level allergy to processed sugar...something which I eat a lot of.

I have been in pain since yesterday and I am still in enough pain in my side that it is hard to breath at times. I am staying home from work, have not eaten anything at all today (at 3:30 pm) and I am doing good to get in some water and the huge amount of pills I have been given to help, well, everything. It came back that I am low on my vitamin levels and that my metabolism is in the tank.(Duh, have you seen me?) 

So, I am waiting at home to do some labs that I have to take in (fun times) to know the final answer. In the meantime no sugar, gluten, or diary and probably no drinking for a while. So I am going to be the life of the party.

I promise to give you a funny light cartoon powered post on Thursday. Check back then!!  

I just ate cake out of the garbage.

Warning!: Brain Dump ahead - Throw out the Ritalin and hang on to your panties. 

Isn't it funny how there are "fat-girl" decisions and "fit-girl" decisions? 

I am a stress eater. When I get to the point of being completely and totally overdone from work or life I just want to scarf a frosted sugar cookie. The Frosted kind from Safeway are the bomb...seriously....O...M....C(ookie). It is amazing..I can actually FEEL the Dopamine release in my brain and the world starts to right itself all over again. Guess what also releases Dopamine. Sex and/or  lots of exercise.

Do you see where this is headed? I have 2 options (more than that but..just shut up...ok....gaw...ok?) food or physical activity. And this is where I am sure there is a fork in the road to 

Fitopia 

or 

Fatsville. 

I am running for Mayor in the latter. 

Now, since I know most of you (not ALL and I am sure not YOU, but everyone else...) judged me a little when you read the title; I have to tell you I didn't actually eat cake from the garbage. (I didn't eat a cookie from Safeway either, or from the garbage) Not that there haven't been times in my life where I was not above that but it is a quote (my favorite) from Sex and the City. 

(mobile people...try this link http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xfk5iseN87k)

To be fair..as I typed the quote into Google to remember if she said trash or garbage and I felt like Google was judging me...Until I got to "I just ate ca..." and it filled in "I just ate cat vomit". I suddenly felt better about myself. Btw...go a head a Google the vomit thing if you have time...and a strong stomach. ANYWAY...

What made me think of it was how much time I spend worrying about stuff (which leads me to eating) and most of the stuff I worry about is, you know...IN MY HEAD. 

Does anyone else do this? Have entire ...and I mean entire...conversations in their heads with people about things that have not happened (yet)? 

Before you assume I am cookoo for Cocoa Puffs ( I am not saying I am not, just...mmm cocoa puffs). 

Where was I? Oh...Right...

I am not saying I talk with the voices in my head but if I see a cop and he looks at me while I am driving I INSTANTLY go through getting pulled over. What would I say? 

If I said this then he would say that and if he said that I would say this back...and why is he being such an ass? <----- NEVER HAPPENED and now my heart rate is up. 

Speaking of pie...I LOVE HAVING MY OWN ISLAND, DISNEYWORLD, TRAVELING THE WORLD, and WEEKLY MASSAGES.

Anti-Ritalin train...stay with me folks...

(My Thought Process as a Flow Chart)

...I am kidding....kinda.  Phew...that is how my brain works like 99% of the time. 

So yeah the BF treated me to a night of Apple Chicken with Rice and Cranberry Almond salad, a glass of Hot to Trot wine, Disney's Cars (I hadn't seen it yet) and a spoon of ice cream as not to blow my diet :).

Who's got it better than us? Nobody
Happy ALMOST WEEKEND. 

Bigfoot and the Pumpkin Patch

Week 2 WI

**Drumroll**


Not bad, -2.4 pounds I gotta say...it was touch and go there for a while. I didn't have the best set up for food this last week so I was a little worried my first week would be a flop. But, I logged everything I ate and...I guess it worked. BABY STEPS...this week I am logging everything AND trying to make my breakfast meals healthy. The rest of the day can be whatever as long as I stay in calorie range and have a healthy protein breakfast. 

Skinny wasn't built in a day....or something like that. 


I went to the pumpkin patch this weekend. I LOVE FALL!!! Love it...I mean of all things superficial that I can claim I love, fall is right up there with ice cream, wine, and Disney. If you can combine all of those things in an evening you have my full attention. 

Fall means pumpkin flavored everything which makes me kinda happy as well. 

So I did a little archery, had a little pumpkin beer, and took a horse and wagon ride through the pumpkin patch. Also, these photos will serve as my before photos because....well, I am lazy.








Bigfoot

I am really in need of some flat boots but I hate shoe shopping. 

Love shoes, hate shoe shopping... because despite that I am a "fun-sized" 5'5.5" I have the feet of a giant. Seriously, I have met 6ft tall women who have smaller feet than I do, It SUCKS. I wear a size 11 in women. A few stores carry a few shoes in my size but when I want a shoe like Nike the 11's are on the small side and that is as high as they run (in women's). 

You would think I would be used to it by now.. I have been a size 11 since I was 12 years old but until they have a "Bigfoot section" in the shoe stores I am stuck hunting for treasures here and there or wearing the boxes the cute shoes come in. .. I always have been a trend setter. :) 

The Sad Fad Dragon got a little smaller in that second frame....hopeful thinking on my part? Probably. 

Well, happy Monday you sexy people!!

Waitress: Friend or Foe (aka Skinny Diet Wrecking B!tch)

So this happened.

Day 2 I was at a conference all day long. Lots of psychology, marketing, SEO, and content topics. You know...brain stuff. So for lunch I hit up the nearby Thai place with some of the other attendees. I figured a salad and a glass of red wine would be alright seeing as I had not really had much breakfast (protein bar and coffee). I looked at the salads but was in such a hurry I decided to just ask the waitress for her recommendation. All the while my inner fat girl is screaming: 

DIDN'T YOU SEE THEY HAVE CREAM CHEESE CRAB PUFFS AND PAD THAI? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??

I did...and I was ignoring the fat chick inside. So I asked the waitress two questions:

1. Which salad is the best?
2. How does it compare in calorie count (eyeballing it) to the other salads? i.e. lots of high fat dressing is a bad thing.

This skinny thing, who has probably never counted a calorie a day in her life (but I am sure she is a lovely human being) recommends one and then looks at me and says:

"Oh it is just like any other salad I would think." 

This woman is a saint, she helped me pick out a delicious salad that is also healthy and somewhat low cal..right?

WRONG!
A century later when the food finally arrives and it is meat, sticky rice and 2 lettuce leaves..and a tiny slice of raw cabbage. So this leads me to a question....

HOW IS THIS A SALAD???????

I can PROMISE you that this 400g of meat is not the same caloric intake as a salad made up of 90% lettuce and 10% ..you know...anything NOT lettuce. SERIOUSLY? I am so confused because I don't know if I should feel bad that the waitress is unable to identify the properties of a low cal salad when she works in a restaurant OR hate her guts for intentionally being an ass. I know part of me left there (with half my lunch in a bag for the next day) hoping that her next fat-free, sugar-free, soy latte was made with heavy whipping cream and a bag of C&H.

I'm not bitter....ok...yeah, I am...a little.

A Sad Fat Dragon With No Friends

Week 1 Weigh in....
*Drumroll*

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok So I have gained 30 pounds in the last 6-9 months from whatever is causing me pain. But, as I sausage-d myself into my pants this morning I reminded myself that this is the last day of this nonsense.

I put my entire day of food together and logged it in MyFitnessPal in advance. I will be posting a before photo soon but...it is Monday and I really didn't want to deal with that this morning. The scale was painful enough.

So...this little graphic...that I drew on a note app on my tablet (don't judge) is the feet of a sad fat dragon (with no friends). If you recognize this phrase then you and I will be really great friends. You will be seeing a lot of her in the future. She is still a work in progress and will probably get better over time but she will forever be blue because that is how she looked the first time I heard the expression.

A Sad Fat Dragon with No Friends is a card in Cards Against Humanity. It is an adult version of Apples to Apples for people who have a great sense of humor and a high threshold for being offended. Check out the link...print your own...play it...love it....LOVE IT!!!!

So I felt a great deal of sympathy for this dude (the dragon was a boy in my head in the beginning) and when I considered posting a blog that was the first thing I decided I needed to add. Now I am not sad, I am only Fat-ish...and I have friends so no he is not me but maybe a part of me...so he..now she...stays. So here is my first shot at drawing...her.

Prologue

I am that girl, the same as many others. I started out a stocky kid but by the time I was in high school I was a size 12-14. Now, mind you, that is not that big..in fact for me it is really a healthy size. I use size because at a size 12-14 I was 180 pounds. I think I have bones made of lead. 



Anyway, in the 90's being that size meant I had to shop in the women's department. I was 15 and wearing either my mother's clothing or men's. So I did what any girl with a body image issue and a whole 15 years of wisdom behind her would do...I dieted. And not in a healthy way...I took pills, starved myself, ate only chicken, and FAILED. Of course I did...I was killing myself. So in response my body fought back and I gained 20. Now I am 180...and decided that throwing up would solve my problems...well I am not a fan so that didn't last. 

Finally I started playing basketball, working and going to school...all while eating 500 calories a day. I slept a lot...saw a doc..was killing myself...again...and guess what...GAINED MORE WEIGHT. I gained 20 pounds a year till I hit almost 300 pounds. On a 5'5" frame that means I was a size 26-28 and now killing myself again, but in a different way. 

I had weight loss surgery, Lap-Band, in Mexico....it broke. Now I am having stomach issues that are fighting my weight loss but I am going to push on. 

The Point of This Blog

I decided to do a blog during my weight loss for a few reasons.
1) To keep me on track.
2) To help others who are struggling
3) To hopefully create a community of people willing to work together and support each other.